


three am (come sooner)

by thestarlight



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Asexual Character, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent, just really soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-02-27 08:08:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18735022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarlight/pseuds/thestarlight
Summary: Because the time must’ve froze, there’s no way the minutes till three am would last this long. His stomach twists in unimaginable pain, he must be hungry. But there’s no being hungry when he feels as if his lungs are going to collapse. Three am. Three am.Why the hell isn’t it three am?





	three am (come sooner)

**Author's Note:**

> tw mental health issues
> 
>  
> 
> this is completely self-indulgent. my thoughts 24/7. everything that I think about. I just projected it on taeyong. I'm sorry :-(
> 
> i’m sorry i bumped this i’m working on something new and it’s johnyong BE EXCITED 🥺 even tho i’m not that great at writing

Taeyong stared at the empty document. The words couldn’t spill from his thoughts no matter how much he tried to type them. The clock ticked behind him, the rain on the windows had grown to a subtle tapping, and the wind that made the branches shake had eased to nothing but a breeze. The time was threatening reaching three am, but he couldn’t force himself to stand and get to bed. He knows it’s cowardly of him to run away from his problems, but he can’t help but feel that building up courage to do anything is tiring.  If he was anything, he was about as useless and the silent letters in words. The ones everyone forgets is there. He wonders what it would be like if he was here. If he didn’t have to sit through the storm alone, on a Wednesday. If he could just tell him the news he’s been dying to share. 

 

There’s a worry in his mind that this was all some joke. That there was no euphoria, that he was still locked in his cellar with a metal collar around his neck. That everyone was watching him as he envisioned a future where he was happy. He thinks maybe he was left, maybe the trip was a joke to get rid of him. Maybe the wind was giving him a sign that there wasn’t anyone coming home. He feels tears mist his eyes, but he promises not to cry because to cry would mean he’s nothing but the man he tried so hard not to be. He wonders when three am will ever come. He wonders if it ever will.

 

There’s lightning that flashes the room, Taeyong picks his head up and looks at the wooden door that had been locked three times. Then double checked, then cleaned thrice. He holds his breath.  _ Someone knock please show sign that there’s life.  _ Because the time must’ve froze, there’s no way the minutes till three am would last this long. His stomach twists in unimaginable pain, he must be hungry. But there’s no being hungry when he feels as if his lungs are going to collapse.  _ Three am. Three am. _

 

Why the hell isn’t it three am?

 

He closes his eyes and looks at his screen in doubt. Maybe he shouldn’t write this essay. Pointless, words on a document mean nothing. But to not do it means to fail and failing means he’ll lose the scholarship. His heart twists.  _ He  _ wouldn’t want him to fail. So he types. 

 

_ Lee Taeyong. _

_ May 18th, 2019 _

 

_ TOPIC: Wonders of the Universe.  _

 

_ Where is Nowhere? _

 

_ To ask where nowhere is, well, is quite confusing. Because where in the world is nowhere is everywhere is somewhere? It’s a word but does it exist? Nobody is somebody, then well, nowhere is somewhere, correct? You often will wonder if there ever was a time when nowhere existed. If there is someone who knows where nowhere is, they’ve probably discovered the secrets to the universe and all things make believe. When there’s someone who tells you they’re going nowhere, stop and ask, “Where the hell is nowhere?” I’m sure they’ll _ **|**

 

Taeyong stops writing. He closes his eyes and presses to fingers to his bridge.  _ Why the hell isn’t it three am? _

 

He hears the clock behind him chime, signaling a new hour. The rain picks up again and then there’s a loud knock on the front door. The knock makes him tear his eyes away, look at the wooden door with soft eyes. When the first strike of thunder rolls, the door is knocked on again and Taeyong swallows his fears and stands up. He takes small strides to the door, then places his hand on the knob - this could be it - he thinks. Johnny isn’t supposed to be home until tomorrow, he remembers. The door swings open with the wind and gusts of water and cold air pierce his bare arms. When he opens his eyes he meets a coat covered chest, then he trails his eyes to meet soft brown ones. 

 

It’s Johnny, he stands there in his trench coat with his hair stuck to his face and a small smile apparent. Taeyong doesn’t know what to do, as he stands in silence staring at the taller male look down at him, his eyes watching him expectantly. But he doesn’t do anything. So, Johnny takes the initiative, closes the door and then hugs him tightly, leaning down a little to wrap his arms around his shoulders. The older squeezes him, and Taeyong is still quiet as he allows his boyfriend of three years to smother him in much needed affection. 

 

“You’ve lost weight,” Johnny mumbles, “What happened to you taking care of yourself?” Taeyong closes his eyes and takes in Johnny’s scent, his sweet cologne making Taeyong’s chest fill with remembrance. He ignores Johnny’s question and sighs.

 

“You’re home early.” Taeyong says, “Why?”

 

“Boss’ wife went into labor,” Johnny says, “Had to get home to greet his baby.” 

 

“I missed you,” Taeyong’s voice is quiet against Johnny’s chest. 

 

“I missed you as well,” Johnny replies, “You’re up quite late, did I wake you?”

 

“No,” Taeyong confesses, “Sleeping isn’t the same without you here.”

 

Johnny pulls away from the hug and kisses his boyfriend’s cheek. He grabs hold of his hand and walks to where he knows Taeyong’s been hiding out and shuts the laptop that illuminates the room subtly. He then takes Taeyong’s hand and leads him to their bedroom upstairs. The house is quiet and extremely clean, as if no one had ever lived here. (though there was no dust in sight). 

 

Johnny was gone for a month, he and Taeyong promised to talk every day and call in. The months leave took a rough toll on Taeyong, and Johnny knew it would so he tried to make Taeyong promise to take care of himself. He knew how hard it was for Taeyong to do so, as he struggled with motivating himself. He had insomnia and often stayed up and lost sleep too much, and never spoken out loud he knew Taeyong’s struggle with eating in the first place. He had offered Taeyong to come along with, but Taeyong insisted he shouldn’t because he had to look after the house.

 

“Come on baby,” Johnny says calmly, “You must be so tired…”

 

Taeyong shrugged, if he was being honest he was exhausted. But his mind was racing. He wouldn’t be able to sleep if he tried. 

 

“Baby…” Johnny mumbles, “Cuddle with me.”

 

Taeyong gets on the bed with Johnny, he lays his body on the older’s gently and rests his eyes. Even if he didn’t fall asleep at least he’d be next to the man he loved. Johnny was one of people in his lives that he couldn’t believe loved him— He was amazing, kind, and endearing in a way anyone would love. He remembers when the last day of school was coming along, Johnny was sitting nervously under a large tree. The wind had blown small white petals into his hair, the somber look on his face as if he knew he was going to be kicked. There was no doubt in Taeyong’s mind that was Johnny wanted to tell him wasn’t a joke, so he tried to keep himself as calm as possible, pushing his worries away and trying to remain positive for his dear friend. 

 

He walked up slowly and sat down next to him. And then it had happened. 

 

_ “Taeyong, you came,” Johnny sighed out, “I was worried you wouldn’t.” _

 

_ “I come to see you every Friday, why stop?” Taeyong replies, “A little thing you have to tell me isn’t going to change anything.” _

 

_ Taeyong takes a seat next to Johnny, he leans down and peaks his head under Johnny’s. He offers a smile and Johnny finally looks up.  Taeyong sits back.  _

 

_ “Taeyong, I’ve been meaning to tell you this,” Johnny says quietly, “I don’t know what this will change if anything.” _

 

_ “You’re scaring me,” Taeyong worries out, “Are you okay?” _

 

_ “I am but,” Johnny shakes his head, “I have a confession.” _

 

_ “A confession?” Taeyong wonders, “—Johnny what are you talking about I-“ _

 

_ “I’m in love with you.” _

 

_ Taeyong jolts, “You like me?” _

 

_ “God, yeah,” Johnny says, “I love you so damn much. Everything I think about is about you. Whether you’ve eaten, slept, drank water. Rested, took breaks. Whatever it is it’s always about you. You smile, your eyes, your laugh. The way you care for all types of animals and play with the little cute bugs when you think no one's looking. I always am. It’s always you.” _

 

_ Taeyong is breathless. _

 

_ “Johnny…” Taeyong starts, “I’m so glad you feel the same.” He smiles and wipes the tears off Johnny’s cheeks. He looks at the older with a faint smile and shakes his head, “Kiss me you fool.” _

 

_ And Johnny does. _

 

Taeyong smiles softly at the memory.

 

“Baby are you okay?” Johnny asks quietly, “You’re crying.”

 

“I was just thinking about third year.” Taeyong replies. It’s soft, but Johnny hears it.

 

“The best day of my damn life, Yongie.” Johnny kisses Taeyong’s forehead and runs a hand down his back. He pats the small of his back and Taeyong cuddles further into Johnny’s side. He feels warmth cover him in a blanket, knowing Johnny is right there with him to remind him of all things good. 

 

“I got accepted into SMU…” Taeyong says, “Full ride, they said they’d be glad to have me.”

 

Johnny sits up abruptly and brings Taeyong with him, “You did?” 

 

“Yeah,” Taeyong replies, “I’m gonna be a doctor.” 

 

“I’m so happy for you,” Johnny smiles, he places his hands on both sides of Taeyong’s face and looks at him deeply in the eyes, “Can I kiss you?” 

 

“Y-Yeah,” Taeyong sighs, “You can.”

 

Johnny kisses him with love, passion, whatever you may call call it. Taeyong feels his heart spike up. He loves Johnny, he always had and nothing will ever change that. He’s patient and understanding towards his desire to stray away from most sexual things. He respects him fully, knowing that it doesn’t really appeal to him that way. Of course they’ve had sex before, but only once or twice because they both mutually agreed to it. Taeyong remembers it, he’s not disgusted by it. But it’s something that he doesn’t appeal to, and Johnny understands. Sometimes even kissing is a little bit too much, so Johnny always asks before.

 

Johnny is the man he fell in love with, and there is nothing that would ever change that. 

 

The moment they met in grade school when Johnny had scraped his knees, because some kid pushed him down and called him lame, Taeyong somehow knew he wanted to keep him close. Johnny is brave, strong, and sensitive. His heart is filled with more love than anyone would ever think, often taken him for someone intimidating and cold. But, Johnny’s heart was too big for his own good. 

 

Taeyong leans forwards and rests his head on the older’s shoulder and closes his eyes, hoping to drift off into a sleep he could finally seek. Knowing that the man beside him is holding him. That he’s home. That the barrier that was between them for only so long was gone.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading. comments and kudos appreciated.


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